The Utility Man Archives

Ron Artest Considers Retirement, Wants To Spend More Time No Fewer Than 100 Yards Away From Family

2007-04-17T16:07:00.001-07:00

SACRAMENTO, CA – Confirming rumors that he was considering retirement, Ron Artest told reporters this week that he was, “looking forward to finishing the season so that he could get back to the people that matter, or at least as close as the 100 yard restraining order [Artest’s] wife has on [him] will allow.” “You guys have no idea how hard it is to do this job,” said Artest. “I’m constantly on the road, away from my family. It’s tough to have a job that keeps me away from my family, or in my case any further than the 100 yard radius required by the county court. Man, when I’m on the road and I hear about how my daughter is having a rough time at school, or how she fell and skinned her knee, it kills me to know that I could have been there for her, from a football field away.”

Artest’s family expressed a desire to have him return home more permanently as well. “We all miss having Ron around,” noted Kimsha Artest, Ron’s wife. “Our daughter misses him the most. Most nights he’s in town he comes home and reads her a bedtime story. It’s cute really; he gets up on the roof of a building a couple of blocks away and shouts the stories through a megaphone. One day, I look forward to him being closer, you know, once I take some boxing lessons.”

Friends also attested to Artest’s longing to be at home with his family. Mike Bibby told reporters, “Oh yeah, you can see it in his eyes all the time. When he’s tying his shoes, he’s thinking of being with his daughter, tying hers. When he eats meals with the team, he’s thinking about eating at his dining room table with his family. When he’s on the court, laying it all out during the game, you can tell he’s thinking about being with his wife, hitting her.”

Stricter NFL Disciplinary Policy Calls For “Immediate Execution” of Pacman Jones

2007-04-17T16:06:00.002-07:00

NEW YORK, NY – Speaking from NFL headquarters in New York, Roger Goodell announced the desire to lay down a stricter disciplinary policy for NFL players with regard to their off-field behavior, and while he would not disclose all of the aspects of his proposed policy, he did reveal one key component: The immediate execution of Adam “Pacman” Jones. “As a league, we’re at a major turning point with regard to our image,” announced Goodell, “and it is up to everyone involved, from the commissioners to the players, to make sure our fans don’t lose respect for us as role models. One person who must help us shoulder the burden of this responsibility is Mr. Adam “Pacman” Jones, by allowing us to publicly execute him as an example.”

Jeff Fisher, member of the NFL competition committee and Jones’s coach, said he initially resisted the plan, but claims he came to understand the decision. “Look, I love Pacman, really. He’s such an important part of this team. If I need a gamebreaking play on defense or special teams, he can get it done. When the team needs to loosen up with a joke or a party full of guns and strippers, he’s the go-to-guy. But once I sat down with Commissioner Goodell, it became pretty clear that Pacman had to go. Seriously, I don’t think anyone’s done more to ruin the reputation of the NFL. Also, I have to admit it’ll be a boost for the Titans financially. You have no idea how expensive his bail bonds were getting.”

Jones, on the other hand, was less than enthused by the announcement. “Hell no I’m not going away. Why you think they’re coming after me, like I’m the biggest image problem, but not all those white boys on the Panthers that got caught using steroids? Because I’m BLACK, that’s why! Well, that and my actions can hurt others as well as myself, but that’s nitpicking.” Asked about how he’ll fight Goodell’s decision, Jones added “Oh I’ve got a plan. I’m going to get Tank Johnson out of jail; you KNOW he’s next if they come get me. With me, Tank, and Tank’s guns together, I’m not sure there’s a sovereign nation with an army big enough to take us down. They want to see me make it rain, I’ll make it rain alright…with bullets.”

Don King Goes To Vatican To See Pope, Attempts To Book Pope Vs. Tyson I

2007-04-17T16:06:00.001-07:00

VATICAN – Don King recently visited the Vatican in order to see Pope Ratzenberger in person, and also noted that the visit was one of business as well, as the longtime fight promoter announced plans to book a bout between Pope Ratzenberger and former World Heavyweight Champion Mike Tyson. “I’m excited for the unshakeable and unbreakable excitement from the potential pugilism between these two,” King told reporters. “In one corner, you have the former Champion, the most dangerous man to throw a punch who’ll eat your ear for Lunch, Mike Tyson. In the other, the leader of the Catholic world, his high hard hitting heavy handed holiness, Pope Ratzenberger.”

Pope Ratzenberger seemed less excited about the potential matchup. “I have no desire to fight anyone. In the church, we learn to seek to solve our problems not with violence, but with the love each man should have for his fellow man. We turn the other cheek, a prospect which frankly terrifies me, largely because I don’t want that man anywhere near the side of my face.” Ratzenberger did add, however, that “But if he wants it, then he can bring it. The church took on the whole Muslim faith, as well as family courts in all 50 states. We’re not scared.”

Tyson, on the other hand, expressed enthusiasm about the prospect of fighting the leader of the Catholics. “Oh I am most definitely ready to fight, and kill that man. Hell, look at me, I’m training in Vegas hotel lobby, I’ll do anything for money. I’ll fight the Pope, Muhammad, Mr. Wizard, whoever. Hey, you got 20 dollars? I’ll rent out ad space on my face? Look, right here behind the right jaw, it can all be yours!”

After Five Years Of Texans Offensive Line, David Carr “Looking Forward To Playing For Candyland.”

2007-04-17T16:05:00.004-07:00

HOUSTON, TX – With his release from the Houston Texans finalized, quarterback David Carr is preparing to move on from a team whose offensive line allowed him to be sacked 249 times over the course of five years. When asked about potential free agency suitors, a clearly woozy Carr could only say “I’m hopeful that I’ll wind up playing for a quality franchise in a great town, like Candyland.”
“David has experienced more hits in five years than most men, hell, most army platoons experience in their lifetime,” noted Richard Frampton, a respected Texas brain surgeon. “I mean, 249 times? Were they playing arena rules with three linemen or something? Anyway, he’s been knocked retarded. I don’t use that as a slur, that’s actually the medical term for what’s happening here.”
Carr, however, remains blissfully ignorant of his situation. “I’m looking forward to playing…OOOH, something shiny!, Anyway, I’ll go anywhere in the Candy Kingdom, as long as I don’t wind up playing for Lord Licorice. That guy looks like a snippy prick.”

Fan Breaks Gilbert Arenas’ Thumbs After Player Fails To Pay Up On $10 Bet

2007-04-17T16:05:00.003-07:00

WASHINGTON D.C. – Gilbert Arenas showed up to practice for the Washington Wizards today with both hands in casts, the result of two broken thumbs police believe were inflicted by one of the fans with whom Arenas had a $10 bet that he would score 50 points against Portland Trailblazers. “We believe that Mr. Arenas failed to pay one of the fans he made a bet with the debt of $10, and as a result this individual broke both of Gilbert’s thumbs,” said police Officer Steve Remy. The fan in question, choosing to remain anonymous, told reporters “I’m not saying that I did anything, I’m not saying I didn’t. I’m just saying that if I were owed $10, and someone wasn’t paying, I might have to use a car door to make sure he understood just how badly I wanted money for a couple of fast food meals.”
For his part, Arenas remained ambiguous about the whole affair. “Nah, it’s not even like that. I just…um…fell down the stairs,” remarked Arenas. “I can’t make anymore bets anyway, I’m out of cash. Honestly, have you seen me? Sure, we laugh at the $20,000 I bet a teammate that I could make more three pointers, but I can’t stop! The other day I bet a dude the same amount that I could hold my breath for ten minutes, then I made a double or nothing bet that dragons were dinosaurs! Hey, speaking of which, I bet you I can say word without vowels. Come on, give me a chance to make something back.”

Tony LaRussa Just Happy He Didn’t Wake Up Next To A Fatty

2007-04-17T16:05:00.001-07:00

ST. LOUIS, MO – Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa, discussing his recent arrest for driving under the influence, told the press today that he was “just glad that something horrible didn’t happen, like someone being killed, or waking up next to a fat chick.” When asked to clarify his comment, LaRussa said, “I think it’s pretty clear what I mean. You think it’s bad waking up with your car running, try doing it next to some uggo who’s stroking your hair and telling you she loves you. I’m not saying I’d rather kill a kid, but I will bowl right over a pet if that was my other option.”
Public outrage over LaRussa’s comment was immediate. “This is just disgusting,” fumed Paige DeLucca, head of the St. Louis chapter of Mothers Against Drunk Driving. “For Mr. LaRussa to say that negates the terrible impact that DUI’s can have on families. If I could tell him anything, I would tell him that what he’s said has hurt our cause incredibly. That, and this: ‘big girls need love too.’”

The Utility Belt #3

2007-04-11T11:52:00.001-07:00

“It matters more what's in a woman's face than what's on it.”
-Claudette Colbert

I was listening to sports radio at home this past week (I like wallowing in my own filth from time to time), when the hosts of the program to which I was listening began discussing the NCAA Women’s Tournament. Mind you, they weren’t discussing the athletic merits of the tourney, or even those of the individual players (the least they could do is use the standard condescending “sound fundamentals” line). Instead, they were ranting about how pissed ESPN anchor Trey Wingo must have been to be covering such a “weak ass” event. Along the way, they made the requisite jock radio comments about the ugliness of most of the players and the stupidity of women’s athletics (on a side note, it’s a little ironic that, considering the most exercise a lot of these guys get is from vomiting and crying in strip club restrooms, they spend so much time making fun of women for wanting to do something that requires physical fitness).

Anyway, toward the end of their speech, something out of the ordinary happened: They brought up Candace Parker. For those of you who haven’t seen Candace Parker play, she’s probably going to spark record interest in the WNBA next year (granted, she could do that by bringing her family to her games). She can shoot the J, drive to the basket, dunk on a pretty consistent basis, dominate on defense, and as an added bonus, she’s absolutely beautiful. Put simply, she’s a stud; that’s the only word for her. At least, that’s what I thought, but neither that word, nor any of the others I’ve used here, were ones that the hosts brought up. Instead, when describing Ms. Parker, they simply listed her physical attributes part by part, and the only phrase used to describe her at all was “she could get it.” First of all, I’m not sure what “it” is to these guys, but judging from the appearance of most sports journalists, it probably smells like a mix of cheese, bad cigars, and despair. Secondly, here’s a girl that’s really talented, even fun to watch, oftentimes a rarity for individual players in women’s basketball. She has the potential to lift a whole sport out of obscurity (to further my point, I’ll list the WNBA teams I know: The Sparks, the Liberty…um, the Lohans?). But instead of talking about any of that, these “sports journalists” were content to break her down to the sum of her body parts to let America know that “she could get it.”

Why is it that every man in America only feels comfortable with athletic girls when we’re breaking them down in terms of physical appearance and nothing else? Are we that scared of a woman who can dunk on us? It can’t be that an athletic woman isn’t sexy. I just saw a clip of Candace Parker swatting a Mississippi player’s shot into the stands, and it was one of the sexiest things I’ve seen in the past year (competing with the Discovery Channel and a mannequin I saw in a mall…the “I run a website” line isn’t as effective as you’d think). There is no reason that a girl can’t be absolutely stunning and made more attractive by the fact that she could own most guys on a court, field, or wherever. The point is, when we break down what makes Candace Parker sexy, her looks are just a small part of whether or not she “could get it." For anyone who really appreciates the attraction of Candace Parker, the real appeal has just as much to do with how pretty her eyes are as it does with how they look when she stares down that girl after putting her shot in the cheap seats.

Word,

The Utility Man

Early Loss Leaves Coach K Searching For People To Curse At In Lieu Of NCAA Officials

2007-03-28T10:44:00.003-07:00

Durham, NC – With his Duke team unexpectedly and unceremoniously having exited the NCAA tournament in the first round, coach Mike Krzyewski has found himself surprisingly unfulfilled, both with his tourney results and the amount of profanity left unsaid to NCAA officials. “It’s really weird, but I don’t even think the loss bothers him that much,” said sophomore forward Josh McRoberts. “I think the real reason he’s worked so hard to keep getting to the sweet sixteen was that he genuinely likes being able to swear. Like after the game, his wife and children were outside the locker room, and they give him a big hug, and he leans in on the brink of tears and tells them to ‘stop being such g***amn f**king p*ssies’”.

Indeed, even those not involved with the basketball program have noticed the effects of the early tourney exit on Coach K. “Oh it’s definitely a noticeable difference, like a junkie in withdrawal,” said Kryzewski’s secretary Rhonda Turk. “Like, before, he used to greet people with ‘hello,’ but now he prefers ‘blow it out your f**king *ss, how are you?’ Just the other day I had to forge his signature after he tried to sign a check with the name ‘Captain F*ckface Sh*teater.’ I know I shouldn’t have, but that was to his church!”

Perhaps most disheartening however is the apparent inability for anyone to raise Kryzewski’s spirits. “I know people don’t realize this, but that man loves to bully refs, like a crazy obsessive kind of love,” added freshman Gerald Henderson. “I tried everything I could to cheer him up. We went out to play a scrimmage against a local high school for a community service program, and in the middle of the game I just punched out this 15 year old, made him bleed all over. Coach said he appreciated it, but it didn’t f*cking matter what type of bullsh*t I did, he would still feel like a b*tch. Oh, sure, afterwards he called the kid a ‘f*ggot’, but it just wasn’t the same.”

Lance Briggs Planning To Tighten Budget So Family Can Survive On Paltry $7.2 Million

2007-03-28T10:44:00.001-07:00

Chicago, IL – Bears linebacker Lance Briggs recently took his nephew and niece out of boarding school today, a move that he says is one in a series of moves he says are necessary so that he and his dependents can “survive on the unfair salary the Bears are trying to cheat me and my family with,” said Briggs of Chicago’s offer of $7.2 million from the driver’s side window of his custom Cadillac Escalade. Later, when interviewed at his palatial estate in suburban Illinois, Briggs added, “Look, I’m not unreasonable man,” said Briggs, as his butler freshened up his mimosa, “but I have a family to feed. When I look into mother’s eyes, I see that she looks to me as her son to be a provider. I need to make sure she has food on the table, and personalized mink coats for each day of the week. How am I to do that on 7.2 million dollars?”

Briggs’ agent appeared equally stunned that Chicago would try and “cheat my client out of his livelihood with their offer.” Reached via phone from his Aspen vacation home, Briggs’ agent remarked “I’ve seen money in my lifetime, and I’ve been fortunate enough to put the modest income I’ve made to good uses. That’s why I’ve taken up the cause of Lance Briggs. When a man is up against an organization hell bent on depriving him of the basic needs that every human being needs fulfilled, like a roof over his head, or twin Lamborghinis, well, I’m obliged to champion his rights.”

Briggs hopes that the Bears will see his side of the argument soon. “I just want to be able to live my life the way any employed American man deserves to live., and nobody can do that with 7.2 million dollars a year. It’s not just me I’m fighting for here, either. Like I said, there are a lot of people that rely on me to provide for them, like my ten man entourage at the club, or my pet panthers. Do you have any idea what it costs to feed a panther?”

NCAA Feel Women’s Teams Should Be Scrutinized More Closely, Hotter.

2007-03-28T10:43:00.003-07:00

Baton Rouge, LA – The NCAA executive committee issued a formal statement today publicly denouncing now infamous former women’s basketball coach Pokey Chatham’s conduct, which allegedly involved sexual relationships with former players, and calling for closer scrutiny of women’s sports teams. Additionally, upon further investigation, the conduct was deemed “nowhere near hot enough to make up for how bad it was,” according to the official press release.

“It is, of course, a very serious thing any time you get allegations such as these,” remarked LSU athletic director Skip Bertman, “and we have exhausted every resource at our disposal to determine exactly what went on between coach Chatham and her players. And let me tell you something, America, you’re going to be disappointed. Seriously, I love lesbians, and I didn’t even get a chubby this entire investigation. It’s that bad.”

Others expressed similar disappointment with the proceedings surrounding the scandal. “You know, to hear something like this as a fan of women’s basketball, it just takes the wind out of your sails. I mean, after years without attention, we finally start to pick up TV coverage, and something like this happens and shatters our credibility. Would it kill these girls to put on some makeup? I mean, seriously, if ESPN stops thinking America is turned on by the possibility of these getting it on, how will we ever get more TV time? And people can talk about these girls not possible being able to live up to society’s fantasy ideas of lesbians, but that’s no excuse; if she were a good coach, Pokey Chatham would have done whatever she could to get the extra ten percent out of her players, like with toys or something.”

Indeed, the end result of this scandal has been damaging for potential media revenue for women’s basketball. “We honestly felt that women’s athletics could be the final frontier for our company,” said SpiceTV rep Dan Lowenhurtz, “but this entire experience has dissuaded us from doing so. I mean, seriously, America likes lesbians, but nobody likes uggos.”

Darryl Strawberry Teaches Son D.J. To Overcome Defeat With Perseverance, Cocaine

2007-03-28T10:43:00.001-07:00

College Park, MD – Following his team’s loss to Butler in the NCAA tournament, Maryland standout D.J. Strawberry has turned to his father for support, which he has provided, along with a solid brick of cocaine. “Having been an athlete myself, I know that sometimes my son will be faced with defeats, and that can hurt you deeply. I want my son to be able to overcome his struggles the same way I did mine, through inner strength. Oh, and pure Columbian cocaine. Can’t possibly forget that. In fact, scrap the inner strength thing and just double up on the nose candy. Perseverance is overrated anyway.”
D.J., for one, is glad to have his father’s assistance. “I’m just glad to have a role model like my dad, somebody who can teach me how to get through these kind of things. I know that later on, when I’m experiencing real life trials, I’ll be glad to have his kind of character. And hey, if I fail, the bar for the Strawberry family is already pretty low. No way I’m getting below that. I almost can’t believe he did it without superpowers. Unless you count, ‘radiating disappointment’ as a superpower.”

Coach Riley Hoping Shaq Doesn’t Figure Out This Year’s Championship Trophy Not Chocolate On Inside

2007-03-28T10:42:00.001-07:00

Miami, FL – Asked today about his team’s surprisingly good performance, particularly that of Shaquille O’Neal, Heat coach Pat Riley insisted that he has no idea what sparked their inspired play, although he did say “it may have something to do with my telling Shaq that this year, the NBA trophy is solid chocolate with gold wrapping.” “I know it was wrong to lie, but Dwayne [Wade] got hurt, and I needed to say something to get that fat bastard to play harder. And then, once we started winning, you should have seen the look in his eyes every time he started talking about his ‘chocolate trophy’. I couldn’t bear to take that away from him.”
Indeed, despite several other championships, O’Neal seems particularly interested in winning this season’s trophy. “I can’t tell you why, but let’s just say it’s a secret,” O’Neal said, grinning with childlike giddiness, “a delicious secret.” Teammates have agreed to maintain the illusion in order to keep O’Neal. “Oh yeah,” said injured superstar Dwayne Wade, “I told him that he couldn’t tell anybody else, but that when he wins it, he needs to bring his injured buddy a big piece. I can’t believe he bought it. I’m just glad he’s such a fat bastard.”

A-Rod’s Mother Holds Press Conference With Parents Of New York Media

2007-03-28T10:41:00.000-07:00

New York, NY – Lourdes Navarro, mother of Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez held a press conference this week in order to “give a stern talking to” to the parents of several members of the New York media, after her son recently complained about the “rough” treatment he had received during several interviews. “Listen,” announced Ms. Navarro to the crowd of elderly parents, “it’s not that I’m saying you’re bad parents. I just think that our boys should really start getting along better. If you all knew some of the hurtful things your children were saying about my baby, well, I think you’d be shocked.”
Those parents who were present had mixed reactions. “Well I am just shocked,” said Glenda Greenberg, mother of ESPN’s Mike Greenberg. “To think that my Mikey would say these nasty things about that boy. Well, he’ll be washing his mouth out with soap as soon as I get my hands on him.”
Other parents, were less touched by Ms. Navarro’s plea. “Which one is her son again? Oh, is he the one that got the blond tips in his hair? Look, I’m a reasonable guy, but I’m not telling my kid that he has to play nicely-nicely just because this lady’s got a gay kid.”

The Utility Belt #2

2007-03-28T10:33:00.000-07:00

“People get hit by a bus all the time.”
-Vince McMahon (to me!!!) on how things could always be worse.

This week, Sports Illustrated published an article naming eleven WWE wrestlers as having been prescribed steroids of one sort or another, this information based on recent raids in Orlando, FL and Mobile, AL. True story, I once worked for the WWE, as a writer (I quit after a month, but that's another story). I’d tell you what the job entails, but I’m pretty sure I signed something saying I wouldn’t, and anyway, "being broken in half by Hulk Hogan" isn't on my to-do list this year. Suffice to say that if you don’t know why the WWE needs writers, you’re probably not reading this (because you’ve never heard of this “internet”). In any event, I’ve met most of the individuals named in the probe, usually before they pushed me out of the way on their way to do something much beefier than I can possibly imagine. Everyone talks about how huge these guys look on TV, but let me say this in response: You have no clue how HUGE these guys are. Their arms are as thick as most men’s legs, and the average height of these guys has to be around 6’5”. One guy was 7’4”, 420 pounds, and had to duck to get through some doors. Being backstage was like being on the Island of Misfit Toys.

The thing is, we laugh about how big these guys are, but to most guys, size matters. I graduated at six feet tall and weighing about 150 pounds, and I felt like the smallest guy in the world once I got to college. When you’re flirting with a girl and the phrase “wow, my boyfriend can bench press you” comes into the conversation, it’ll do a number on your self-esteem. So I put in a ton of time at the gym, ate unreasonable amounts of protein, took creatine, and managed to bulk up to just under 180 pounds. This is important not only because it shares with my female readers (hi mom!) how jacked I am, but also because when it was all said and done, I still looked around and bigger guys than me and felt small. For all my obsession with size, by the time I’d reached my goal, I still wasn’t satisfied.

If there’s a lesson to be learned from my story, I think it’s that at the end of the day, the real reason we should be scared of people putting this kind of stuff into their bodies is that it gives ordinary people, people like a 150 pound eighteen year old, the idea that there is some easy way to reach an image based “goal” that isn’t really attainable, leading to this endless pursuit of an unrealistic image that doesn’t really offer any satisfaction, a pursuit that could have irrevocable consequences on the lives of countless young men. That, or the lesson is that I am not a real man. Actually, I think that last one is the real life lesson.

Word,

The Utility Man

Prison Basketball League Excited To Pick Up Ron Artest In Time For Playoffs

2007-03-21T18:35:00.002-07:00

Sacramento, CA – Following his arrest on domestic violence charges, inmates and staff at the California State Prison in Sacramento were excited to learn that Ron Artest could be joining their intra-prison basketball league just in time for the playoffs. “This is the most exciting thing to ever happen to our league,” remarked warden Scott Kernan. “Honestly, we always get pretty spirited come playoff time, but I can’t think of a time when the energy here has been quite so high, and that includes the 1994 championships that ended in a riot that killed five people. Whoo, I love this game!”

Of course, the impending arrival of one of the NBA’s most dominant defenders has teams and league organizers scrambling to put together free agency offers. “Right now, the C-Block Murdering Rapists are prepared to offer Mr. Artest a lucrative contract that will give him around five cigarettes a season over the course of three seasons, as well as a signing bonus of Harold, who is currently my bitch,” said Julian Reynolds, team captain currently serving five years for aggravated assault. “I just hope that’s enough to keep him away from the A-Block Raping Murderers.”

As for the problem of integrating Artest into already existing team playbooks, most captains are relishing the opportunity to build around the former NBA Defensive Player of the Year. “Is it going to make us change some things? Sure,” noted Edward Young, captain of the B-Wing Stabbers, “but you can’t pass up the chance to have a talent like that on your team. I mean, have you read the police report on how he slapped his girlfriend, then kept knocking her to the ground to keep her from calling for help? You can’t buy that kind of presence in the low post!”

Of course, not everyone is as excited about the prospect of Artest joining the league. One inmate, who asked to remain anonymous for safety concerns, commented, “Have you seen this guy? He’s an animal? If he’s not beating up his girlfriend, then he’s assaulting fans or mercilessly starving his pets. Honestly, we’ve never had a greater threat to public safety in the league. I’m terrified to play with him, and I’ve killed four people and eaten their skin!”

Islanders’ Simon Insists That Swinging Stick At Players’ Heads A Natural Part Of His Skating Motion

2007-03-21T18:35:00.001-07:00

Long Island, NY – Islanders forward Chris Simon, at an NHL hearing to determine the length of his suspension for hitting Rangers forward Ryan Hollweg in the head with his stick, insisted that the action is “a natural part of his skating my skating motion.” “The whole thing was one big accident,” pleaded Simon at the hearing, “and the fact that it took place after he delivered a particularly hard hit on me was a total coincidence. I was skating up to him to say ‘nice hit’ and bam, I just got him with the stick blade.”

Ted Nolan, head coach of the Islanders, was quick to come to his forward’s defense. “It’s true,” added Nolan, “Chris just naturally skates that way. Last year for my kid’s birthday party, we had a bunch of kids at a skating rink and brought Chris in to teach them how to play hockey. Needless to say, it was chaos. Four children left with concussions.”

As for the further repercussions of Simon’s hitting Hollweg, fans are skeptical that outside authorities will be brought in to help police particularly egregious assaults, which this one is perceived to be. “I don’t think I’d want police being brought in to arrest people like Simon,” said NHL fan James Uribe. “I mean, that would ruin the integrity of the game, and NHL fans would hate to see that. All five of us.”

Fans and disciplinary committee members alike are suspicious of what many perceive to be an unbelievable excuse, but others note that this is not the first time such a defense has been used. “Well, obviously there’s the case of Kobe Bryant defending his shooting motion, which has resulted in his hitting two different players in the face, as a natural motion, but there are other cases of this defense being used as well,” remarked NHL Disciplinary Committee member Frank Gorens. “For example, nobody remembers that Scott Peterson, now on death row, defended the murder of his wife and child as “a natural part of his lovemaking process.”

Lions Fill Multiple Needs; Open Door To Blowing Draft In New, Unexpected Ways

2007-03-21T18:34:00.004-07:00

Detroit, MI – Following a free agency period that saw them broker a major deal that sent Pro Bowl cornerback Dre’ Bly to the Denver Broncos in exchange for running back Tatum Bell, offensive tackle George Foster, and a fifth round pick, the Detroit Lions are excited to have filled so many perceived needs, giving them the opportunity to disappoint fans on draft day in ways that could not have previously been foreseen. “I’ve got to say, I was a little worried when we entered the off-season having so many holes to fill, because that made pretty much any pick we were going to make a smart one,” said second-year Lions head coach Rod Marinelli, “but with this deal, I think we’ve all but guaranteed that come draft day, we’ll be firmly in the running to wildly disappoint out fans.”

Roy Williams, starting wide receiver for the Lions, shared his coach’s relief at the news. “I’ll be honest with you,” added Williams, “it would be a bad look for coach Marinelli’s second draft to come out well. Our fans expect draft failure from us, and I’d hate to see their security blanket taken away. I mean, if we don’t blow our draft pick, then who’s to say what’s certain anymore? I wouldn’t be surprised if the sky turned green and we all started floating into space.”

Infamous Lions GM Matt Millen has already begun preparations for what he says will be “a remarkable crash and burn” on April 28th. “To be honest, I don’t know what to do, but it’s nice to feel like my hands are untied so I can more capably shoot myself in the foot.” As for how he’d use his second overall pick, Millen remarked “Well, we’re not sure, but I will say that we’re thrilled by the chance to draft Brady Quinn, which I think has the greatest potential for total catastrophe. I mean, the only thing more disappointing than drafting Joey Harrington is doing it twice, right?”

Despite all the draft talk, some players feel that the team is overlooking the present impact of the recent trade. “Personally, I think that fans are missing the real point of this deal,” noted new Lions running back Tatum Bell. “This is a team that just traded away one of two players that mean anything for a bad pick, a washed up lineman, and myself, a running back that got replaced by an undrafted rookie midseason. What I’m saying is that fans don’t need to wait for draft day, because there’s plenty of disappointment to go around right now!”

Bobby Cox Discusses Retirement; Players Surprised To Learn He’s Not Already Dead

2007-03-21T18:34:00.003-07:00

Atlanta, GA – Bobby Cox stunned fans and players alike with his recent announcement that he is considering retirement, largely because many believed the longtime Braves manager to be dead. “I honestly thought he’d dies sometime in late 2002,” said pitcher John Smoltz, “so I’m as shocked as anybody. True story, I once poked him with a stick during a game on a dare from Andruw Jones. Didn’t even flinch. You know, he still could be dead, like if he was a zombie; in fact, we shouldn’t discount that.” Left fielder and multiple time all-star Chipper Jones added, “Wait, you’re telling me his alive? Dammit, I just lost five dollars. I thought we were just keeping him around as a creepy voodoo mascot, or as a running joke, like a ‘Weekend At Bernie’s’ thing.”

Duke Basketball Extends Streak Of NCAA Tournament Appearances To 29 Years; Duke Lacrosse Extends “No Alleged Rape” Streak To One

2007-03-21T18:34:00.001-07:00

Durham, NC – Celebration was in the air at Duke University, as the men’s basketball program received a bid into the NCAA Tournament for the 29th consecutive year. An equally important milestone, however, was that this March also marks the lacrosse team’s first consecutive year of its “No Alleged Rape” streak. “ I think it’s important to acknowledge something like this. This is a triumph for a fine group of young men. I also can’t tell you how proud I am to be coaching a program where ‘not being accused of sexually assaulting a stripper’ constitutes a ‘triumph.’” As for celebrating the lesser known of Duke Athletics’ two extended streaks, players hinted toward a subdued celebration, with junior Jay Jennison adding “We may be downplaying it, but I think this really shows that this program is committed to changing its image. We’ve even got a banner designed to go up in the locker room. We can’t show it though, because somebody wrote the n-word on it.”

Joe Horn Angry He Can No Longer Use National Tragedy To Mask Mediocre Receiving Skills

2007-03-21T18:33:00.001-07:00

Atlanta, GA – In a recent interview, Joe Horn revealed that what most upset him about his recent release from the New Orleans Saints was not that he felt disrespected, but rather that he would no longer be able to use Hurricane Katrina to mask what has been a notable drop in his skills as a number one receiver. “Seriously,” remarked Horn, “this is going to suck. Before, I could get away with just being a nice guy, but now people are going to actually expect me to earn my contract as a receiver.” Horn did hold out hope for his future as an Atlanta Falcon, however, saying, “I mean, you never know. I’m not one to root for disasters, but all I’m saying is that Joe Horn could use a fire or something right about now.”

The Utility Belt #1

2007-03-21T18:30:00.000-07:00

"My biggest weakness is my sensitivity. I'm too sensitive."
-Mike Tyson

One Sunday, in the midst of football season, my ex-girlfriend asked me “Are we as a society still doing this sports thing? I thought we’d moved on from that.” I, of course, responded “What? Oh, yeah babe, I love the Jets too, can you get me a beer?” But later, after cleaning the beer out of my clothes, I got to thinking; why do we care about sports so much? Some people argue that, at their purest, sports bring out the best in individuals. I’m not sure I buy that argument. Consider that, in Washington, a statewide ban on booing is being proposed for high school games, and the bulk of writing on the subject has been AGAINST the ban. We care about the “integrity” of sports so much that we as a nation support the rights of grown men and women to yell “you suck!” at high school kids.
Is it that they provide role models? That’s even more laughable. I’m not sure I’ve ever learned one positive thing from an athlete, other than the phrase “straight cash, homey.” What do we learn from individuals like Pacman Jones, other than “stripper cash is non-refundable”?
I guess that in the end, we love sports because they act as a breeding ground for larger than life personas, not necessarily for us to cheer for, but for us to react to. Whether you think T.O. is a team liability or a team liability that is worth the headache, whether you support Joey Porter calling Kellen Winslow a “faggot” or think that he probably should have stuck with “huge douchebag,” whether you think Barry Bonds is a giant prick or you have social personality disorder, sports provide the canvas for you to paint your picture on. In a way, that’s what this site is about, reacting to sports news the best way I know how.

And that’s enough of my waxing philosophical douchebaggery for this issue. Look for more improvements to come to the site in the near future, including some new columnists, a more comprehensive (and funnier) weekly column from myself, and a revised layout (after my third “what’s that thingamajigger do?” conversation with GoDaddy.com’s offices, I started to feel like my dad).

In the meantime, thanks for visiting the site, and feel free to email me with any thoughts or suggestions.

Word,
The Utility Man