SACRAMENTO, CA – Confirming rumors that he was considering retirement, Ron Artest told reporters this week that he was, “looking forward to finishing the season so that he could get back to the people that matter, or at least as close as the 100 yard restraining order [Artest’s] wife has on [him] will allow.” “You guys have no idea how hard it is to do this job,” said Artest. “I’m constantly on the road, away from my family. It’s tough to have a job that keeps me away from my family, or in my case any further than the 100 yard radius required by the county court. Man, when I’m on the road and I hear about how my daughter is having a rough time at school, or how she fell and skinned her knee, it kills me to know that I could have been there for her, from a football field away.”
Artest’s family expressed a desire to have him return home more permanently as well. “We all miss having Ron around,” noted Kimsha Artest, Ron’s wife. “Our daughter misses him the most. Most nights he’s in town he comes home and reads her a bedtime story. It’s cute really; he gets up on the roof of a building a couple of blocks away and shouts the stories through a megaphone. One day, I look forward to him being closer, you know, once I take some boxing lessons.”
Friends also attested to Artest’s longing to be at home with his family. Mike Bibby told reporters, “Oh yeah, you can see it in his eyes all the time. When he’s tying his shoes, he’s thinking of being with his daughter, tying hers. When he eats meals with the team, he’s thinking about eating at his dining room table with his family. When he’s on the court, laying it all out during the game, you can tell he’s thinking about being with his wife, hitting her.”
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Stricter NFL Disciplinary Policy Calls For “Immediate Execution” of Pacman Jones
NEW YORK, NY – Speaking from NFL headquarters in New York, Roger Goodell announced the desire to lay down a stricter disciplinary policy for NFL players with regard to their off-field behavior, and while he would not disclose all of the aspects of his proposed policy, he did reveal one key component: The immediate execution of Adam “Pacman” Jones. “As a league, we’re at a major turning point with regard to our image,” announced Goodell, “and it is up to everyone involved, from the commissioners to the players, to make sure our fans don’t lose respect for us as role models. One person who must help us shoulder the burden of this responsibility is Mr. Adam “Pacman” Jones, by allowing us to publicly execute him as an example.”
Jeff Fisher, member of the NFL competition committee and Jones’s coach, said he initially resisted the plan, but claims he came to understand the decision. “Look, I love Pacman, really. He’s such an important part of this team. If I need a gamebreaking play on defense or special teams, he can get it done. When the team needs to loosen up with a joke or a party full of guns and strippers, he’s the go-to-guy. But once I sat down with Commissioner Goodell, it became pretty clear that Pacman had to go. Seriously, I don’t think anyone’s done more to ruin the reputation of the NFL. Also, I have to admit it’ll be a boost for the Titans financially. You have no idea how expensive his bail bonds were getting.”
Jones, on the other hand, was less than enthused by the announcement. “Hell no I’m not going away. Why you think they’re coming after me, like I’m the biggest image problem, but not all those white boys on the Panthers that got caught using steroids? Because I’m BLACK, that’s why! Well, that and my actions can hurt others as well as myself, but that’s nitpicking.” Asked about how he’ll fight Goodell’s decision, Jones added “Oh I’ve got a plan. I’m going to get Tank Johnson out of jail; you KNOW he’s next if they come get me. With me, Tank, and Tank’s guns together, I’m not sure there’s a sovereign nation with an army big enough to take us down. They want to see me make it rain, I’ll make it rain alright…with bullets.”
Jeff Fisher, member of the NFL competition committee and Jones’s coach, said he initially resisted the plan, but claims he came to understand the decision. “Look, I love Pacman, really. He’s such an important part of this team. If I need a gamebreaking play on defense or special teams, he can get it done. When the team needs to loosen up with a joke or a party full of guns and strippers, he’s the go-to-guy. But once I sat down with Commissioner Goodell, it became pretty clear that Pacman had to go. Seriously, I don’t think anyone’s done more to ruin the reputation of the NFL. Also, I have to admit it’ll be a boost for the Titans financially. You have no idea how expensive his bail bonds were getting.”
Jones, on the other hand, was less than enthused by the announcement. “Hell no I’m not going away. Why you think they’re coming after me, like I’m the biggest image problem, but not all those white boys on the Panthers that got caught using steroids? Because I’m BLACK, that’s why! Well, that and my actions can hurt others as well as myself, but that’s nitpicking.” Asked about how he’ll fight Goodell’s decision, Jones added “Oh I’ve got a plan. I’m going to get Tank Johnson out of jail; you KNOW he’s next if they come get me. With me, Tank, and Tank’s guns together, I’m not sure there’s a sovereign nation with an army big enough to take us down. They want to see me make it rain, I’ll make it rain alright…with bullets.”
Don King Goes To Vatican To See Pope, Attempts To Book Pope Vs. Tyson I
VATICAN – Don King recently visited the Vatican in order to see Pope Ratzenberger in person, and also noted that the visit was one of business as well, as the longtime fight promoter announced plans to book a bout between Pope Ratzenberger and former World Heavyweight Champion Mike Tyson. “I’m excited for the unshakeable and unbreakable excitement from the potential pugilism between these two,” King told reporters. “In one corner, you have the former Champion, the most dangerous man to throw a punch who’ll eat your ear for Lunch, Mike Tyson. In the other, the leader of the Catholic world, his high hard hitting heavy handed holiness, Pope Ratzenberger.”
Pope Ratzenberger seemed less excited about the potential matchup. “I have no desire to fight anyone. In the church, we learn to seek to solve our problems not with violence, but with the love each man should have for his fellow man. We turn the other cheek, a prospect which frankly terrifies me, largely because I don’t want that man anywhere near the side of my face.” Ratzenberger did add, however, that “But if he wants it, then he can bring it. The church took on the whole Muslim faith, as well as family courts in all 50 states. We’re not scared.”
Tyson, on the other hand, expressed enthusiasm about the prospect of fighting the leader of the Catholics. “Oh I am most definitely ready to fight, and kill that man. Hell, look at me, I’m training in Vegas hotel lobby, I’ll do anything for money. I’ll fight the Pope, Muhammad, Mr. Wizard, whoever. Hey, you got 20 dollars? I’ll rent out ad space on my face? Look, right here behind the right jaw, it can all be yours!”
Pope Ratzenberger seemed less excited about the potential matchup. “I have no desire to fight anyone. In the church, we learn to seek to solve our problems not with violence, but with the love each man should have for his fellow man. We turn the other cheek, a prospect which frankly terrifies me, largely because I don’t want that man anywhere near the side of my face.” Ratzenberger did add, however, that “But if he wants it, then he can bring it. The church took on the whole Muslim faith, as well as family courts in all 50 states. We’re not scared.”
Tyson, on the other hand, expressed enthusiasm about the prospect of fighting the leader of the Catholics. “Oh I am most definitely ready to fight, and kill that man. Hell, look at me, I’m training in Vegas hotel lobby, I’ll do anything for money. I’ll fight the Pope, Muhammad, Mr. Wizard, whoever. Hey, you got 20 dollars? I’ll rent out ad space on my face? Look, right here behind the right jaw, it can all be yours!”
After Five Years Of Texans Offensive Line, David Carr “Looking Forward To Playing For Candyland.”
HOUSTON, TX – With his release from the Houston Texans finalized, quarterback David Carr is preparing to move on from a team whose offensive line allowed him to be sacked 249 times over the course of five years. When asked about potential free agency suitors, a clearly woozy Carr could only say “I’m hopeful that I’ll wind up playing for a quality franchise in a great town, like Candyland.”
“David has experienced more hits in five years than most men, hell, most army platoons experience in their lifetime,” noted Richard Frampton, a respected Texas brain surgeon. “I mean, 249 times? Were they playing arena rules with three linemen or something? Anyway, he’s been knocked retarded. I don’t use that as a slur, that’s actually the medical term for what’s happening here.”
Carr, however, remains blissfully ignorant of his situation. “I’m looking forward to playing…OOOH, something shiny!, Anyway, I’ll go anywhere in the Candy Kingdom, as long as I don’t wind up playing for Lord Licorice. That guy looks like a snippy prick.”
“David has experienced more hits in five years than most men, hell, most army platoons experience in their lifetime,” noted Richard Frampton, a respected Texas brain surgeon. “I mean, 249 times? Were they playing arena rules with three linemen or something? Anyway, he’s been knocked retarded. I don’t use that as a slur, that’s actually the medical term for what’s happening here.”
Carr, however, remains blissfully ignorant of his situation. “I’m looking forward to playing…OOOH, something shiny!, Anyway, I’ll go anywhere in the Candy Kingdom, as long as I don’t wind up playing for Lord Licorice. That guy looks like a snippy prick.”
Fan Breaks Gilbert Arenas’ Thumbs After Player Fails To Pay Up On $10 Bet
WASHINGTON D.C. – Gilbert Arenas showed up to practice for the Washington Wizards today with both hands in casts, the result of two broken thumbs police believe were inflicted by one of the fans with whom Arenas had a $10 bet that he would score 50 points against Portland Trailblazers. “We believe that Mr. Arenas failed to pay one of the fans he made a bet with the debt of $10, and as a result this individual broke both of Gilbert’s thumbs,” said police Officer Steve Remy. The fan in question, choosing to remain anonymous, told reporters “I’m not saying that I did anything, I’m not saying I didn’t. I’m just saying that if I were owed $10, and someone wasn’t paying, I might have to use a car door to make sure he understood just how badly I wanted money for a couple of fast food meals.”
For his part, Arenas remained ambiguous about the whole affair. “Nah, it’s not even like that. I just…um…fell down the stairs,” remarked Arenas. “I can’t make anymore bets anyway, I’m out of cash. Honestly, have you seen me? Sure, we laugh at the $20,000 I bet a teammate that I could make more three pointers, but I can’t stop! The other day I bet a dude the same amount that I could hold my breath for ten minutes, then I made a double or nothing bet that dragons were dinosaurs! Hey, speaking of which, I bet you I can say word without vowels. Come on, give me a chance to make something back.”
For his part, Arenas remained ambiguous about the whole affair. “Nah, it’s not even like that. I just…um…fell down the stairs,” remarked Arenas. “I can’t make anymore bets anyway, I’m out of cash. Honestly, have you seen me? Sure, we laugh at the $20,000 I bet a teammate that I could make more three pointers, but I can’t stop! The other day I bet a dude the same amount that I could hold my breath for ten minutes, then I made a double or nothing bet that dragons were dinosaurs! Hey, speaking of which, I bet you I can say word without vowels. Come on, give me a chance to make something back.”
Tony LaRussa Just Happy He Didn’t Wake Up Next To A Fatty
ST. LOUIS, MO – Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa, discussing his recent arrest for driving under the influence, told the press today that he was “just glad that something horrible didn’t happen, like someone being killed, or waking up next to a fat chick.” When asked to clarify his comment, LaRussa said, “I think it’s pretty clear what I mean. You think it’s bad waking up with your car running, try doing it next to some uggo who’s stroking your hair and telling you she loves you. I’m not saying I’d rather kill a kid, but I will bowl right over a pet if that was my other option.”
Public outrage over LaRussa’s comment was immediate. “This is just disgusting,” fumed Paige DeLucca, head of the St. Louis chapter of Mothers Against Drunk Driving. “For Mr. LaRussa to say that negates the terrible impact that DUI’s can have on families. If I could tell him anything, I would tell him that what he’s said has hurt our cause incredibly. That, and this: ‘big girls need love too.’”
Public outrage over LaRussa’s comment was immediate. “This is just disgusting,” fumed Paige DeLucca, head of the St. Louis chapter of Mothers Against Drunk Driving. “For Mr. LaRussa to say that negates the terrible impact that DUI’s can have on families. If I could tell him anything, I would tell him that what he’s said has hurt our cause incredibly. That, and this: ‘big girls need love too.’”
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
The Utility Belt #3
“It matters more what's in a woman's face than what's on it.”
-Claudette Colbert
I was listening to sports radio at home this past week (I like wallowing in my own filth from time to time), when the hosts of the program to which I was listening began discussing the NCAA Women’s Tournament. Mind you, they weren’t discussing the athletic merits of the tourney, or even those of the individual players (the least they could do is use the standard condescending “sound fundamentals” line). Instead, they were ranting about how pissed ESPN anchor Trey Wingo must have been to be covering such a “weak ass” event. Along the way, they made the requisite jock radio comments about the ugliness of most of the players and the stupidity of women’s athletics (on a side note, it’s a little ironic that, considering the most exercise a lot of these guys get is from vomiting and crying in strip club restrooms, they spend so much time making fun of women for wanting to do something that requires physical fitness).
Anyway, toward the end of their speech, something out of the ordinary happened: They brought up Candace Parker. For those of you who haven’t seen Candace Parker play, she’s probably going to spark record interest in the WNBA next year (granted, she could do that by bringing her family to her games). She can shoot the J, drive to the basket, dunk on a pretty consistent basis, dominate on defense, and as an added bonus, she’s absolutely beautiful. Put simply, she’s a stud; that’s the only word for her. At least, that’s what I thought, but neither that word, nor any of the others I’ve used here, were ones that the hosts brought up. Instead, when describing Ms. Parker, they simply listed her physical attributes part by part, and the only phrase used to describe her at all was “she could get it.” First of all, I’m not sure what “it” is to these guys, but judging from the appearance of most sports journalists, it probably smells like a mix of cheese, bad cigars, and despair. Secondly, here’s a girl that’s really talented, even fun to watch, oftentimes a rarity for individual players in women’s basketball. She has the potential to lift a whole sport out of obscurity (to further my point, I’ll list the WNBA teams I know: The Sparks, the Liberty…um, the Lohans?). But instead of talking about any of that, these “sports journalists” were content to break her down to the sum of her body parts to let America know that “she could get it.”
Why is it that every man in America only feels comfortable with athletic girls when we’re breaking them down in terms of physical appearance and nothing else? Are we that scared of a woman who can dunk on us? It can’t be that an athletic woman isn’t sexy. I just saw a clip of Candace Parker swatting a Mississippi player’s shot into the stands, and it was one of the sexiest things I’ve seen in the past year (competing with the Discovery Channel and a mannequin I saw in a mall…the “I run a website” line isn’t as effective as you’d think). There is no reason that a girl can’t be absolutely stunning and made more attractive by the fact that she could own most guys on a court, field, or wherever. The point is, when we break down what makes Candace Parker sexy, her looks are just a small part of whether or not she “could get it." For anyone who really appreciates the attraction of Candace Parker, the real appeal has just as much to do with how pretty her eyes are as it does with how they look when she stares down that girl after putting her shot in the cheap seats.
Word,
The Utility Man
-Claudette Colbert
I was listening to sports radio at home this past week (I like wallowing in my own filth from time to time), when the hosts of the program to which I was listening began discussing the NCAA Women’s Tournament. Mind you, they weren’t discussing the athletic merits of the tourney, or even those of the individual players (the least they could do is use the standard condescending “sound fundamentals” line). Instead, they were ranting about how pissed ESPN anchor Trey Wingo must have been to be covering such a “weak ass” event. Along the way, they made the requisite jock radio comments about the ugliness of most of the players and the stupidity of women’s athletics (on a side note, it’s a little ironic that, considering the most exercise a lot of these guys get is from vomiting and crying in strip club restrooms, they spend so much time making fun of women for wanting to do something that requires physical fitness).
Anyway, toward the end of their speech, something out of the ordinary happened: They brought up Candace Parker. For those of you who haven’t seen Candace Parker play, she’s probably going to spark record interest in the WNBA next year (granted, she could do that by bringing her family to her games). She can shoot the J, drive to the basket, dunk on a pretty consistent basis, dominate on defense, and as an added bonus, she’s absolutely beautiful. Put simply, she’s a stud; that’s the only word for her. At least, that’s what I thought, but neither that word, nor any of the others I’ve used here, were ones that the hosts brought up. Instead, when describing Ms. Parker, they simply listed her physical attributes part by part, and the only phrase used to describe her at all was “she could get it.” First of all, I’m not sure what “it” is to these guys, but judging from the appearance of most sports journalists, it probably smells like a mix of cheese, bad cigars, and despair. Secondly, here’s a girl that’s really talented, even fun to watch, oftentimes a rarity for individual players in women’s basketball. She has the potential to lift a whole sport out of obscurity (to further my point, I’ll list the WNBA teams I know: The Sparks, the Liberty…um, the Lohans?). But instead of talking about any of that, these “sports journalists” were content to break her down to the sum of her body parts to let America know that “she could get it.”
Why is it that every man in America only feels comfortable with athletic girls when we’re breaking them down in terms of physical appearance and nothing else? Are we that scared of a woman who can dunk on us? It can’t be that an athletic woman isn’t sexy. I just saw a clip of Candace Parker swatting a Mississippi player’s shot into the stands, and it was one of the sexiest things I’ve seen in the past year (competing with the Discovery Channel and a mannequin I saw in a mall…the “I run a website” line isn’t as effective as you’d think). There is no reason that a girl can’t be absolutely stunning and made more attractive by the fact that she could own most guys on a court, field, or wherever. The point is, when we break down what makes Candace Parker sexy, her looks are just a small part of whether or not she “could get it." For anyone who really appreciates the attraction of Candace Parker, the real appeal has just as much to do with how pretty her eyes are as it does with how they look when she stares down that girl after putting her shot in the cheap seats.
Word,
The Utility Man
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)