Stricter NFL Disciplinary Policy Calls For “Immediate Execution” of Pacman Jones

NEW YORK, NY – Speaking from NFL headquarters in New York, Roger Goodell announced the desire to lay down a stricter disciplinary policy for NFL players with regard to their off-field behavior, and while he would not disclose all of the aspects of his proposed policy, he did reveal one key component: The immediate execution of Adam “Pacman” Jones. “As a league, we’re at a major turning point with regard to our image,” announced Goodell, “and it is up to everyone involved, from the commissioners to the players, to make sure our fans don’t lose respect for us as role models. One person who must help us shoulder the burden of this responsibility is Mr. Adam “Pacman” Jones, by allowing us to publicly execute him as an example.”

Jeff Fisher, member of the NFL competition committee and Jones’s coach, said he initially resisted the plan, but claims he came to understand the decision. “Look, I love Pacman, really. He’s such an important part of this team. If I need a gamebreaking play on defense or special teams, he can get it done. When the team needs to loosen up with a joke or a party full of guns and strippers, he’s the go-to-guy. But once I sat down with Commissioner Goodell, it became pretty clear that Pacman had to go. Seriously, I don’t think anyone’s done more to ruin the reputation of the NFL. Also, I have to admit it’ll be a boost for the Titans financially. You have no idea how expensive his bail bonds were getting.”

Jones, on the other hand, was less than enthused by the announcement. “Hell no I’m not going away. Why you think they’re coming after me, like I’m the biggest image problem, but not all those white boys on the Panthers that got caught using steroids? Because I’m BLACK, that’s why! Well, that and my actions can hurt others as well as myself, but that’s nitpicking.” Asked about how he’ll fight Goodell’s decision, Jones added “Oh I’ve got a plan. I’m going to get Tank Johnson out of jail; you KNOW he’s next if they come get me. With me, Tank, and Tank’s guns together, I’m not sure there’s a sovereign nation with an army big enough to take us down. They want to see me make it rain, I’ll make it rain alright…with bullets.”