Prison Basketball League Excited To Pick Up Ron Artest In Time For Playoffs

Sacramento, CA – Following his arrest on domestic violence charges, inmates and staff at the California State Prison in Sacramento were excited to learn that Ron Artest could be joining their intra-prison basketball league just in time for the playoffs. “This is the most exciting thing to ever happen to our league,” remarked warden Scott Kernan. “Honestly, we always get pretty spirited come playoff time, but I can’t think of a time when the energy here has been quite so high, and that includes the 1994 championships that ended in a riot that killed five people. Whoo, I love this game!”

Of course, the impending arrival of one of the NBA’s most dominant defenders has teams and league organizers scrambling to put together free agency offers. “Right now, the C-Block Murdering Rapists are prepared to offer Mr. Artest a lucrative contract that will give him around five cigarettes a season over the course of three seasons, as well as a signing bonus of Harold, who is currently my bitch,” said Julian Reynolds, team captain currently serving five years for aggravated assault. “I just hope that’s enough to keep him away from the A-Block Raping Murderers.”

As for the problem of integrating Artest into already existing team playbooks, most captains are relishing the opportunity to build around the former NBA Defensive Player of the Year. “Is it going to make us change some things? Sure,” noted Edward Young, captain of the B-Wing Stabbers, “but you can’t pass up the chance to have a talent like that on your team. I mean, have you read the police report on how he slapped his girlfriend, then kept knocking her to the ground to keep her from calling for help? You can’t buy that kind of presence in the low post!”

Of course, not everyone is as excited about the prospect of Artest joining the league. One inmate, who asked to remain anonymous for safety concerns, commented, “Have you seen this guy? He’s an animal? If he’s not beating up his girlfriend, then he’s assaulting fans or mercilessly starving his pets. Honestly, we’ve never had a greater threat to public safety in the league. I’m terrified to play with him, and I’ve killed four people and eaten their skin!”