NCAA Feel Women’s Teams Should Be Scrutinized More Closely, Hotter.

Baton Rouge, LA – The NCAA executive committee issued a formal statement today publicly denouncing now infamous former women’s basketball coach Pokey Chatham’s conduct, which allegedly involved sexual relationships with former players, and calling for closer scrutiny of women’s sports teams. Additionally, upon further investigation, the conduct was deemed “nowhere near hot enough to make up for how bad it was,” according to the official press release.

“It is, of course, a very serious thing any time you get allegations such as these,” remarked LSU athletic director Skip Bertman, “and we have exhausted every resource at our disposal to determine exactly what went on between coach Chatham and her players. And let me tell you something, America, you’re going to be disappointed. Seriously, I love lesbians, and I didn’t even get a chubby this entire investigation. It’s that bad.”

Others expressed similar disappointment with the proceedings surrounding the scandal. “You know, to hear something like this as a fan of women’s basketball, it just takes the wind out of your sails. I mean, after years without attention, we finally start to pick up TV coverage, and something like this happens and shatters our credibility. Would it kill these girls to put on some makeup? I mean, seriously, if ESPN stops thinking America is turned on by the possibility of these getting it on, how will we ever get more TV time? And people can talk about these girls not possible being able to live up to society’s fantasy ideas of lesbians, but that’s no excuse; if she were a good coach, Pokey Chatham would have done whatever she could to get the extra ten percent out of her players, like with toys or something.”

Indeed, the end result of this scandal has been damaging for potential media revenue for women’s basketball. “We honestly felt that women’s athletics could be the final frontier for our company,” said SpiceTV rep Dan Lowenhurtz, “but this entire experience has dissuaded us from doing so. I mean, seriously, America likes lesbians, but nobody likes uggos.”