Lance Briggs Planning To Tighten Budget So Family Can Survive On Paltry $7.2 Million

Chicago, IL – Bears linebacker Lance Briggs recently took his nephew and niece out of boarding school today, a move that he says is one in a series of moves he says are necessary so that he and his dependents can “survive on the unfair salary the Bears are trying to cheat me and my family with,” said Briggs of Chicago’s offer of $7.2 million from the driver’s side window of his custom Cadillac Escalade. Later, when interviewed at his palatial estate in suburban Illinois, Briggs added, “Look, I’m not unreasonable man,” said Briggs, as his butler freshened up his mimosa, “but I have a family to feed. When I look into mother’s eyes, I see that she looks to me as her son to be a provider. I need to make sure she has food on the table, and personalized mink coats for each day of the week. How am I to do that on 7.2 million dollars?”

Briggs’ agent appeared equally stunned that Chicago would try and “cheat my client out of his livelihood with their offer.” Reached via phone from his Aspen vacation home, Briggs’ agent remarked “I’ve seen money in my lifetime, and I’ve been fortunate enough to put the modest income I’ve made to good uses. That’s why I’ve taken up the cause of Lance Briggs. When a man is up against an organization hell bent on depriving him of the basic needs that every human being needs fulfilled, like a roof over his head, or twin Lamborghinis, well, I’m obliged to champion his rights.”

Briggs hopes that the Bears will see his side of the argument soon. “I just want to be able to live my life the way any employed American man deserves to live., and nobody can do that with 7.2 million dollars a year. It’s not just me I’m fighting for here, either. Like I said, there are a lot of people that rely on me to provide for them, like my ten man entourage at the club, or my pet panthers. Do you have any idea what it costs to feed a panther?”