Islanders’ Simon Insists That Swinging Stick At Players’ Heads A Natural Part Of His Skating Motion

Long Island, NY – Islanders forward Chris Simon, at an NHL hearing to determine the length of his suspension for hitting Rangers forward Ryan Hollweg in the head with his stick, insisted that the action is “a natural part of his skating my skating motion.” “The whole thing was one big accident,” pleaded Simon at the hearing, “and the fact that it took place after he delivered a particularly hard hit on me was a total coincidence. I was skating up to him to say ‘nice hit’ and bam, I just got him with the stick blade.”

Ted Nolan, head coach of the Islanders, was quick to come to his forward’s defense. “It’s true,” added Nolan, “Chris just naturally skates that way. Last year for my kid’s birthday party, we had a bunch of kids at a skating rink and brought Chris in to teach them how to play hockey. Needless to say, it was chaos. Four children left with concussions.”

As for the further repercussions of Simon’s hitting Hollweg, fans are skeptical that outside authorities will be brought in to help police particularly egregious assaults, which this one is perceived to be. “I don’t think I’d want police being brought in to arrest people like Simon,” said NHL fan James Uribe. “I mean, that would ruin the integrity of the game, and NHL fans would hate to see that. All five of us.”

Fans and disciplinary committee members alike are suspicious of what many perceive to be an unbelievable excuse, but others note that this is not the first time such a defense has been used. “Well, obviously there’s the case of Kobe Bryant defending his shooting motion, which has resulted in his hitting two different players in the face, as a natural motion, but there are other cases of this defense being used as well,” remarked NHL Disciplinary Committee member Frank Gorens. “For example, nobody remembers that Scott Peterson, now on death row, defended the murder of his wife and child as “a natural part of his lovemaking process.”