Durham, NC – With his Duke team unexpectedly and unceremoniously having exited the NCAA tournament in the first round, coach Mike Krzyewski has found himself surprisingly unfulfilled, both with his tourney results and the amount of profanity left unsaid to NCAA officials. “It’s really weird, but I don’t even think the loss bothers him that much,” said sophomore forward Josh McRoberts. “I think the real reason he’s worked so hard to keep getting to the sweet sixteen was that he genuinely likes being able to swear. Like after the game, his wife and children were outside the locker room, and they give him a big hug, and he leans in on the brink of tears and tells them to ‘stop being such g***amn f**king p*ssies’”.
Indeed, even those not involved with the basketball program have noticed the effects of the early tourney exit on Coach K. “Oh it’s definitely a noticeable difference, like a junkie in withdrawal,” said Kryzewski’s secretary Rhonda Turk. “Like, before, he used to greet people with ‘hello,’ but now he prefers ‘blow it out your f**king *ss, how are you?’ Just the other day I had to forge his signature after he tried to sign a check with the name ‘Captain F*ckface Sh*teater.’ I know I shouldn’t have, but that was to his church!”
Perhaps most disheartening however is the apparent inability for anyone to raise Kryzewski’s spirits. “I know people don’t realize this, but that man loves to bully refs, like a crazy obsessive kind of love,” added freshman Gerald Henderson. “I tried everything I could to cheer him up. We went out to play a scrimmage against a local high school for a community service program, and in the middle of the game I just punched out this 15 year old, made him bleed all over. Coach said he appreciated it, but it didn’t f*cking matter what type of bullsh*t I did, he would still feel like a b*tch. Oh, sure, afterwards he called the kid a ‘f*ggot’, but it just wasn’t the same.”
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