College Park, MD – Following his team’s loss to Butler in the NCAA tournament, Maryland standout D.J. Strawberry has turned to his father for support, which he has provided, along with a solid brick of cocaine. “Having been an athlete myself, I know that sometimes my son will be faced with defeats, and that can hurt you deeply. I want my son to be able to overcome his struggles the same way I did mine, through inner strength. Oh, and pure Columbian cocaine. Can’t possibly forget that. In fact, scrap the inner strength thing and just double up on the nose candy. Perseverance is overrated anyway.”
D.J., for one, is glad to have his father’s assistance. “I’m just glad to have a role model like my dad, somebody who can teach me how to get through these kind of things. I know that later on, when I’m experiencing real life trials, I’ll be glad to have his kind of character. And hey, if I fail, the bar for the Strawberry family is already pretty low. No way I’m getting below that. I almost can’t believe he did it without superpowers. Unless you count, ‘radiating disappointment’ as a superpower.”
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