Bobby Cox Discusses Retirement; Players Surprised To Learn He’s Not Already Dead

Atlanta, GA – Bobby Cox stunned fans and players alike with his recent announcement that he is considering retirement, largely because many believed the longtime Braves manager to be dead. “I honestly thought he’d dies sometime in late 2002,” said pitcher John Smoltz, “so I’m as shocked as anybody. True story, I once poked him with a stick during a game on a dare from Andruw Jones. Didn’t even flinch. You know, he still could be dead, like if he was a zombie; in fact, we shouldn’t discount that.” Left fielder and multiple time all-star Chipper Jones added, “Wait, you’re telling me his alive? Dammit, I just lost five dollars. I thought we were just keeping him around as a creepy voodoo mascot, or as a running joke, like a ‘Weekend At Bernie’s’ thing.”